And Breath In...

So I was having a thin day the other day (I am sure by this stage you know me well enough not to need clarification that a "thin day" is in fact not necessarily what is recognised as "thin" by the entirity of the general public - but why should that stop me being liberal with the word? Thin, thin, thin, thin...) and I have a habit of checking how fat a day I am having by counting just how many rolls of fat I have lurking around my stomach area when I sit down in the most slouchy fashion possible. So on my thin day, I happily had one less roll of fat than usual. Great.

This prompted me to go home and try on a dress that I have had for years - approximately 10 years, I have just realised. And in accordance with the age of the dress and the length of time it has been sitting in an unopened drawer (drawer reserved for clothes I am too fat for or wouldn't be seen dead in) it had a sort of unpleasant musty smell hanging around it's threads. Ignoring this, I pull it over my head, trying not to breath (some molds can actually kill you if you breath them in too much, you know) and make my way to the bathroom mirror.

Oh jubilant day, oh sunny, sunny weather. Yes, the dress fits. At this point, I should point out that it is black and therefore forgiving of lumps and bumps. There is even a small section of the dress that is slightly b-a-g-g-y, yes, baggy (admittedly, this may have something to do with the fact that it's the bit between the sticky-outness of my boobs and stomach). And if I close one eye, breath in as far as I can and clench my buttocks, it doesn't look all that bad. Yes, I think I could get away with it, provided I don't need to breath out all day and I walk without taking too big steps, in order to maintain bum-clenched-ness. In celebration, I prance around the house in said dress, trying to look like this is normal (despite the fact I never wear dresses), hoping my thinness will be noted, but give up and return to the bathroom when I find I can no longer hold my breath.

Note to self - must practice breath-holding - some people can hold their breath for more than four minutes at a time, you know. Must just remember to go to loo/make cup of tea every four minutes when wearing dress. And not talk to anyone whilst in it. Yes, that will add to the whole effect, I'm sure - thin, mysterious lady in black dress, that's what they'll be thinking...

Additional note to self - must put dress in the wash.