Sexy Wiggle

So - you might be forgiven for thinking that I have returned to my booty-shaking class based on the above title. But no - it is nothing of the sort. This is a new move in the bouncy ball class. Yes - the old hag's imagination has gotten that carried away with her. No more pond-life names, oh no - it's all about sexy wiggles now.

But before you go getting the wrong idea, let me just take a moment to explain this "sexy wiggle" to you. Picture the scene. 30 ladies (mostly middle aged, if I'm honest - the class happily makes me feel like a spring chicken) sitting on massive blow-up balls - like satelite planets circling the old hag in the middle. OH (old hag) tells us to start heavy breathing (actually she uses the words "deep breath in... and deep breath out" - but picture heavy breathing - it sets the scene better). "And close your eyes girls" (GIRLS?! - so that's how she keeps this lot coming to her classes, despite her inability to count, her talent for inventing pond-life names for exercises and her excessive grinning) "and lets just rotate our hips in a sexy little wiggle".

What? Now, I have not followed instructions properly. I have not closed my eyes. Instead, I am peering about the room, watching everyone else with their eyes closed - checking their faces to see if they believe that what they are doing is actually in any way sexy. Is this really what it comes to? Wriggling about at an exercise class with your eyes closed, judderingly rolling your hips round and round on an inflatible purple ball, imagining that it might pass as "sexy"? Dear god, let me never reach middle age - it really is as bad as they say.

Upon later discussion, it appears that Polly Pocket was doing the same - peering around the room, stiffling a giggle at what could not possibly stand up to public scrutiny as a "sexy wiggle".