I was just on my way back to the office after buying some toothpaste (almost a desperate breath disaster situation this morning as I squeezed out the last dying morsels of dried up toothpaste from the old tube) and I bumped into someone I know – but really not very well. And I did a terrible thing. I didn’t spot that it was him first, even though I was looking straight at him, because rather than looking at his face, I had fixed my eyes on his Iron Maiden t-shirt.
Now, we all know that I am no slim jim (having just tried on a suit and nearly cried as I struggled to do up the button on the trousers, I can confirm that the official term for the state of my belly, bum and thighs now = FAT). But I found myself drawn to looking at this Iron Maiden t-shirt – and more specifically, the belly contained within the t-shirt. And it was as I was thinking that it looked just like a beer barrel and was contemplating whether in fact it was the human form of a beer barrel, that the head attached to the barrel said “hello” in a jolly voice and smiled.
Oh god. Can I pretend that I haven’t heard and that I haven’t just been caught out staring at the beer barrel of someone I vaguely know? I know, I’ll pretend I have some sort of eye deformity that forces me to look down a bit all the time and return the hello while tilting my head back – so as to confirm my inability to move my eyes from their downward orientation. So, tilting my head back, I say hello back in my brightest, friendliest, I-haven’t-just-been-studying-your-bellyest voice and walk on. He look confused. I’m not sure he understood that my eyes are actually stuck in a downward position. God, what’s wrong with him – doesn’t he understand the plight of people with eye deformities? Honestly. Some people are so rude.
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