The Australian Burn

Right, I have made the decision that, along with my get rich quick programme, I will be embarking on a get thin quick programme.

And I'll tell you what, I am doing very well so far. My dedication knows no bounds. I did some sit ups once last week, whilst promisisng myself I really would do them every day, I have thought about running every day - and I did go on Monday last week. I have also compared myself to people on the Jerry Springer show just to check that there are one or two people out there who's "little weight problem" is worse than mine and finally, I have finished off the tub of Ben and Jerry's in the fridge today after lunch to make space for my new, healthier diet foods.

Good, eh?

But whilst you're sitting there being all impressed by my committment to the cause, hang on just a second. Because although I may have siad that was it... It wasn't. I have also just added some early morning aerobics classes to my sky planner. But I tell you what, TV fitness is not what it used to be. It ain't easy finding aerobics/fitness stuff on the telly. My choices were Hollywood Burn or Australian Death by Aerobics.

I've seen those girls who live in Hollywood - they have heads bigger than their bodies - and much as I'd like to lose a few kilos, that is not the look I'm after by any means. And those Australians? You must be joking - I've seen them - they're like machines. I've never met a fat Australian yet - gym five times a week for two hours. So the half-hour slot on Sky Sports 2 is going to be equal to a three hour slot anywhere else. But I am going to do it. Honest, guv.