Frech Maids and Black Eyes

I don't wear makeup often. I don't know how to use it. However, on Saturday night, I decided that I would have an experiment as I was going out for dinner at a fancy restaurant.

I ensconced myself in the bathroom and turn on all the lights - just to highlight my ghostly pallor. I do have a makeup bag - however it is made up of hand-me-downs people told me would suit my colouring and the freebies you get when you buy two clinique products.

I couldn't rightly say what colours actually suit me, but I could tell you which colours other people have said will and which colours clinique has given me free. It is a mish mash off pretty much every colour you can think of.

So I fiddle about with eyeshadows and eyeliners and mascaras and that powder stuff that you whack on all over your face that is face-coloured. I believe it's role is to reduce my "shine". I also got a bit carried away with some blusher and started to look suspiciously like a French Maid who has recently had a vigorous roll in the hay (not the look I was trying to achieve, by the way).

But that's not the worst of it. The worst part really was my attempt at blending eyeshadows. I got carried away, I'll admit it, and used three colours. They wouldn't really mix and it got to the stage where I was running late. So much so, that in leaving the bathroom to finish getting dressed properly, I forgot to return and finish my half-blended eyes.

Dinner was deee-licious though. And ra-ther posh. I had a lovely evening, until I went to the bathroom and happened to look in the mirror as I was washing my hands. Not only did I still have uneven remnants of my French Maid blush, but I also looked like I'd been through ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

Clearly, all the lights in my bathroom were not enough - neither was my half-attempt at blending, because whilst I had been munching my way through posh food, the strangers who were looking at me were not admiring my new necklace, but concernedly wondering if they should call the police to report that there was a kidnapped French Maid in the restaurant with two black eyes.

N.B. Concernedly is a word. Honestly. I looked it up in the dictionary.