Why You Should Not Delete Your Junk Mail so Fast

Got a call from the Lady With The Baby at work today, telling me the golden words "I can solve all our weight problems".

Apparently there was a programme on telly last night called something like "Superskinny v.s Superlardy". On the programme, there was some sort of diet pill testing panel - including some sort of amphetamine pills which put the testers on the edge of a heart attack - erm, hang on - what do you think of me - I want to lose weight - but I've not lost my brain.

Anyway, there was these other tablets she was telling me about that you can get in an ordinary health shop and, although the scientific tester lady had bad things to say about everything else, the only bad thing she could find to say about these was that they were not for her. You take a tablet, you feel hungry, you start nibbling on a 250g bar of chocolate, and hey presto, half a chunk later, you're shoving it away from you, having lost your appetite. Great, this is all sounding good to me, book me in at Holland and Barrett at lunch time.

An Aside
The Lady With The Baby is not fat in any way. In fact, she's v thin. If she thinks she's going to buy up any of these pills that rightfully belong to the wobblers like me, she's got another thing coming. It will have been the fastest you'll ever have seen me move, but the pills will be mine. All the pills. All mine. Mwah ha ha ha ha...

So what are these miracle tablets called I ask, before I go screaming down the street to buy the shop out before anyone else gets their chubby little paws on them. "Well, the problem is, I don't know how to spell it, so I can't look it up" says LWTB. "But it's pronounced hoodia".

Ringing a bell for anyone else? I know it's not just me who gets all that junk mail (and I'm not talking about the "stick a patch on it and watch it grow to please your lady" sort). Or is it? Has junk mail really gotten that clever - that they can feel the excess weight through my keystrokes? My keyboard can feel the extra pounds swilling around my middle and reverberating through to my fingers? It can taste the salty residue of the packet of crisps I just gobbled in ten seconds flat? It is enjoying the same bar of chocolate that I am, through the medium of typing?

And all those times I deleted that mail, thinking it was junk. Well how ashamed I feel - all this time I have been thinking the promises those emails made to me of losing ten pounds in a week were lies - little did I know that if I had paid more attention, I would weigh 36 pounds by now. Great, just great.

Any boys reading? Want to give her real pleasure? Then don't just delete your junk mail... you might just be missing out on watching it grow.