Honestly, never have a cocktail party. It will leave you in financial tatters. I am ruined. Forget fitting into frocks – I have been too busy extending overdrafts and selling myself as a medical guinea pig to concern myself with weight loss.
An Aside
Ok, so that’s an exaggeration. I have not been selling myself as a medical guinea pig – because that’s how peoples’ heads fall off – but I needed to make it sound melodramatic so that you would get a feel for the full scale of the fiscal drain that is this damned cocktail party. So please, if you will, imagine me lying limp on a hospital bed, arm dangling over the edge of the bed, head lolling at a skewed angle – falling off the side of the pillow, eyes rolling backwards, dribble slipping down from the side of my mouth – not pretty eh? Well that’s how dramatically expensive cocktail parties are.
And I know what you are thinking – that this is all some elaborate rouse to stop you noticing that the weight loss programme has once again taken a turn for the worse – but it’s not. I have no intention of even mentioning that, so you will never know that I have once again found myself not to be as SMAR as I would have hoped.
I’m only mentioning this because I have to – but:
Days to frockage: 4
Dress body outlook: forget it
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